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You ever have those moments when you just feel overwhelmed and bombarded with your own thoughts? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I’m about to pop out a baby. A baby! I can hardly believe it. It feels like I’ve been pregnant forever. This journey definitely hasn’t been the easiest; actually, it’s been quite the opposite of easy. I feel like I’ve dealt with almost every pregnancy symptom that’s known. At the beginning I kept wondering to myself if this was worth all of this pain and suffering, but as I watched myself grow both inside and out I’ve realized that the pain will always be worth it. I’ve prayed that God would give me a mother’s heart. Maybe I won’t understand or even feel like a mother until the moment I finally get to hold my little boy, but being able to carry this child inside of me has let me understand a little more about God’s love for me [and you].

 I usually tend to think more at night when I’m in bed. It’s when the world gets quiet around me and I’m finally able to hear my own thoughts. Lately, before I fall asleep, I lean over to Lionel and whisper, “I’m kinda scared to have this kid.” Although I’m not thrilled to learn what labor is like, that’s not what I’m afraid of. I know I’ll only be in that situation temporarily. So, Lionel asked me why I’m scared and I told him this, “I’m scared because I would do anything to protect this little boy. He’s inside of me right now and I feel like I’m in control and I truly can protect him. But what happens when he’s right beside me instead of inside of me? How can I protect him from this world?” I know that I won’t be able to protect him from everything and I’m not naïve enough to believe that I can. However, how do I raise a child in such a broken world? Some may say that this world has always been up in flames. Who knows? Maybe I haven’t always paid attention, but I’m listening now and I don’t like what I’m hearing. Social media is bursting with hate filled comments and racial slurs. This country is divided and I don’t know how to fix it. I wish I did. I feel like there’s always some kind of protest/riot going on because people don’t agree with the government’s decisions. I’m not an advocate for any political party or figure. I don’t really agree with much that’s going on in our country right now. America should be known for being brave and beautiful and welcoming. I don’t know what needs to happen to fix everything that’s wrong in our nation. However, there is one thing that I do know. We need Jesus. He’s the only solution to the mess that we’ve allowed ourselves to get into. He’s the only answer to broken relationships between country leaders. I can allow myself to get caught up in the fight and trash talk I hear online. It’s very easy to let myself be dragged down. I have to choose to focus on the true things. Honestly, I don’t always make the right decision. The good news is that God’s faithfulness doesn’t depend on my emotional stability. He remains the same no matter what. He’s the same God that has delivered his people over and over again.

 There’s a song I’ve been listening to and I can’t get over how much this song relates to what our country [and world] is going through right now. It’s “Heal Our Land” by Kari Jobe. [I know I’m always citing her, but I can’t help it. Kari is my girl.] We need God to heal our land and bring restoration to the nations. The hope of the future is in His hands and we need Him. So although I don’t have all the answers, or really any answer at all, I will continue to look to God. I will choose to raise my little boy to be fearless in this frightful world. I will teach him that no matter what happens we will always prevail because God’s love never fails and it will never fail us. I will teach my little boy to not be afraid when he hears the division all around him; instead, I will teach him to listen to that small, still voice that says, “Trust me. I am in control.”

 

Listen to this. This song brings peace to my heart. I trust it will do the same for you.

-Su 

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