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Well, here I am. 24 years old and pregnant. Oh, but it’s okay. I’m married and people perceive that I have my life together. That’s truly a comical thought. Maybe one day I will. Or maybe this is just what adult life is like. For right now, I want to focus on this journey of pregnancy. People always ask me how I’m feeling and I don’t know how to tell them for the 20th time that I still feel like crawling up in a ball in the corner and shunning everyone. I’ve heard that pregnancy is hard, but I’ve also heard from certain people that they loved being pregnant and they couldn’t wait until they were pregnant again. Now, this is my first rodeo so I didn’t have much of an expectation. It took me long enough to get get to the point where I was okay with being pregnant. For a while I was uncomfortable with the thought and I didn’t know how I would respond to people who thought I was a pregnant teenager. When one of my nephews was a few weeks old I was walking around the grocery store holding him as he fell asleep on my chest. We walked past this elderly man and he looked at me and I expected him to say something along the lines of “Cute kid”, but instead he said “That’s just pitiful”. The expression I gave him was a mixture of “Excuse me, you don’t know me” and “I’ve been married for a year! This could very well be my child!” Sometimes people should just keep their mouth shut, don’t you agree?

 

Anywho, pregnancy totally turns your life upside down. I’m 108 days into this deal. I expected my world to be rocked when the kid gets here, but I’ve been dealing with a lot of life changing, world rocking circumstances since the beginning. Let me share them with you.

 

Number ONE: Exhaustion

I’ve been around enough moms and watched enough movies to know that sleep is a distant memory when the baby arrives; therefore, you’re always exhausted. However, pregnancy makes you feel like you’re taking care of a newborn when all you’ve really done is watch Netflix. Take advantage of the sleep you can get now. I know I sure do. Honestly, pregnancy is sometimes an excuse to stay in bed a little bit longer. But hey, I deem growing a human as a worthy reason to sleep in.

 

Number TWO: Nausea

Now, not every woman deals with nausea. Some women may have nausea during some of their pregnancies but not every single one. Every woman is different. Apparently, my body likes to take things to the next level. I began to get nauseous around week 4. I began to throw up at week 6 and guess what…I haven’t stopped. I never in my life thought that I would become so comfortable and accustomed to throwing up. I always joke and say, “This kid MUST be Lionel’s because he’s messing with me so much”. I began to write down my thoughts and feelings early on in this pregnancy and I’ll share some of those now.

On June 16th I wrote,

“I’m struggling like an animal out in the wild to find something I want to eat. The thought of most foods makes me just want to give up on life. Lionel brought me a frosty at work today and that made me think I NEEDED a hamburger from Wendy’s. On the way to Wendy’s we passed Subway, so naturally we went there instead. That flatbread sub was enough to make me sing. It was the only thing I could think about eating again without feeling sick. Like any normal [crazy, pregnant] person, I ate subway again for dinner. I could eat subway forever.”

 

On June 17th I wrote,

“I’m never eating subway ever again. I got up this morning and reluctantly took my gummy prenatal vitamins then forced some type of protein down my throat and walked out the door.”

On June 29th I wrote,

“Flash forward 12 days and I’m still struggling. I’m weak, sick, and dehydrated. However, today I had my first appointment at 8 weeks. The doctor did an ultrasound and I saw this tiny living thing inside of me and I heard that incredibly fast heartbeat. My mindset about the future and about life in general has changed. God has given me the opportunity to mold this child’s life, so how am I going to do that? I can’t believe I’m falling in love with this little thing that’s only half an inch long. How intricate has God designed us? There’s no denying Him.”

 

Number THREE: Everyday life

Yes, we still have to get up and live everyday. Doesn’t that stink sometimes? Yes, it sure does. After being so sick for almost 10 consecutive weeks, I contemplated the other day how pregnant women are still expected to be productive members of society. I believe that there should be special exceptions to the rules for us. After all, we are creating life. We are continuing the legacy of life and contributing to the world’s population. I believe that managers should be understanding [especially when you have to excuse yourself from your desk to go yak up your morning banana].

So yes, pregnant women should get preferential treatment. There I said it. I’m not saying we’re more important than other people, but we’re suffering for a worthy cause.

However difficult this process has been or continues to be, I wouldn’t wish away this circumstance I’m in for anything. I may not feel like a bona fide mother yet, but I’ve got this little life inside of me and it’s an unbelievable experience. Every time we have another appointment and I get to see the profile of my sweet child I feel as if my heart grows a little bigger. I didn’t know that I could love something or someone I’ve never met before. Although, sometimes I feel like I do know this child. He’s in my dreams and in my heart. Ever since we found out the gender of the baby, I find myself praying a lot more. I pass by the crib that was possibly set up prematurely [but can you blame me?] and I lay my hand down and say a little prayer for the life that will soon occupy it. Last night Lionel and I went out and we just stumbled into Old Navy. For the first time ever, I didn’t even look for something for myself. I browsed the baby boy section and I swear my heart couldn’t handle all the joy inside. As I picked up the little onesies and tiny socks, I pictured the child that would wear these clothes. I don’t believe I’ve always been super sentimental or emotional, and maybe it’s just the hormones or maybe pregnancy has changed me for the better. I’ve realized that the circumstances of life haven’t completely hardened my heart, even though sometimes I feel like they have. I’ve realized that I truly do love God and need Him now more than I ever have. I understand that the relationship I have with my husband is wonderful and I’ve never taken it for granted.

 

God knew I need this little boy in my life and I’ll do whatever it takes to give him the life and opportunities he deserves.

-Su

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