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It's quite possible that I've lost my touch at this whole blogging thing. Before, I could just sit down and write without a care in the world but now I catch myself thinking, "What will people think?" Eh, who cares. In my almost 24 short years on this earth, I've learned a thing or two about not trying to please people. [Because you can't. It's impossible.] So here I am searching aimlessly for the words to say. Like Michael Scott says, "Sometimes I start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way." Yep, that's me 100%. 

Rainy days tend to make me contemplate on life a little bit more. The light barely sneaks through the windows, candles are lit, and hot cocoa is made; this is the recipe for deep, thoughtful conversations. What is life? What is life even about? I wish that we were given a survival guide to life whenever we were brought into this world. Yep, a personal survival guide would sure make things easier. It's hard to navigate through all the life changing, important decisions we're expected to make along the way. Some people may say, "My dear you don't have to have everything figured out today" or "Rome wasn't built in a day" or my personal favorite, "Just do what God tells you to do". It's not always so black and white. It's not always so simple. I used to believe that God would always tell me which road to take and/or not take. I believed that God and I were walkie talkie buddies and He would always be just a whisper away. Don't misinterpret what I'm saying here. I totally believe that God loves perfectly, has a perfect plan, and always wants His kids in the right place. I just now believe that God doesn't always speak up when we expect Him to. Sometimes it's super clear what God wants from me. I think that everyone hears God differently. Personally, I am led by peace. If I feel peaceful about a potential decision, then I know that it's okay to take a step forward in that direction. Sometimes an opportunity looks great through my human eyes, but I feel a knot in the stomach. That is how I know I have to step back and not go through with it. Then, sometimes I pray and ask God for guidance because I'm incredibly lost amongst the vast sea of decisions that have to be made regarding the not so big deal of my future A.K.A. the rest of the my life. Isn't it crazy how some of the decisions you make NOW [today, 5 minutes from now] will have an effect on the rest of our life. We are essentially a sum of all of our past decisions.

We basically moved to the states and just hoped for the best. There wasn't really a plan involved because we had no idea what we were doing. We just believed that something good would come our way and that the great big, tangled ball we were in would just straighten itself out over time. Some days [most days] I still wonder what in the world we're doing here. I used to pride myself on never wanting to live in the United States because I wanted to experience the world and help people and hug babies. So what am I doing here? Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere [for now]. The thousands of dollars we forked out for my husband's residency is enough to keep my feet on the ground for a little while. As I continue to study towards a degree so I can finally be a real adult with a real adult job, I can't help but continually think about my future. What does God want from me? Where in the world does He want me to spend my days? And please God, don't send me somewhere I don't want to be. Isn't it funny how we try to bargain with God like we know what's best for ourselves? I have to remind myself on a consistent basis that I am where I am right now for a reason. This season is hard and challenging and a lot of days I want to cry for multiple reasons. It's easy to feel trapped where I am. It's easy to feel like I don't have much support [aside from Lionel because he's perfecto]. It's easy to feel like I'm expected to be here. It's easy to feel like people expect me to take care of everything. And it's easy to feel like not many people care because they don't seem too concerned with how I'm doing. Sometimes I just need a little rant because this is real life and it's messy and it hardly ever goes the way you expect it to and no matter how much effort you put into something you'll probably never hear a thank you from someone until something tragic happens. It's sad how we as the human race don't care about someone or what they've done until it's too late to tell them. 

For now, God is keeping quiet about what the next season in my life will be; therefore, I can only dream that it will be full of wonder and life. Until then, I'll stick with where I am now and I'll probably cry a little more because let's be real [girls cry and sometimes we don't even know why we're crying]. That's just how life is. It doesn't matter who we are, where we live, where we work, or how many followers we have on Instagram. Life is messy, but we can choose to find joy in the midst of the mess or let it overwhelm us. I'd like to say that I always choose joy, but who am I kidding. I'm so not perfect and I let my circumstances overwhelm me [sometimes]. The good news is that we don't have to figure this whole life out on our own. Like I said before, God loves perfectly. Even though He may keep quiet at times, it is always for our good. There's a little thing called patience and it is super beneficial to us to learn how to have it. We're learning together. I'm right there with you. We're in this together, me and you. 

I'll be there for you [when the rain starts to pour]
I'll be there for you [like I've been there before]
I'll be there for you ['cause you're there for me tooooooooooo]


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